Love Hurts

Today was the hardest days of my life. The one I loved have left me. Im here writing this to him.

To the love of my life,

im saying this today, ever since we met I knew you would be the guy for me, I knew you would be a great father to our kids, I knew that we would be happy. I imagined my whole life with you. I imagined having more kids, having a nice house, having a cottage we would go to every holiday, having family vacations, going out as a family. I really messed things up big time. I pushed you away, our families were to much involved and I lashed out on the wrong person. I love you and I always will. You have my heart and sole with you. Please dont break it. Its already smashed into a million pieces. There are racing thoughts going in my mind saying I dont wanna live, I dont wanna be without you, I dont wanna be here in this world where everyone hates me and doesnt like me for who I am. I may need that push to do something but I need to do it on my own. I need time to mentally be there when Im not here, Im not myself, I dont think I ever will be. You were a good guy. You were always there, you provided for me and the kids, you were loving, caring, and just a guy who I fell inlove with. Im not trying to guilt trip you in any way shape or form, but I do wanna work this out if your willing to. My love for you is there but I dont think I can be friends at this moment for now now you will be Sophias dad and we will talk about the kids. Please just think everything through and maybe we can work this through together.  I love you.

 

 

life

have you ever heard that saying where life is a bitch? well i guess its true. This is the worst 2018 of my life. First I had to get rid of my kittens, now my fiance has to move out. I dont wanna live where i am as its causing more stress on me to be here but no one seems to care. no one seems to care about how im feeling….

lifes a big ass bitch. what more can go wrong…

Giving away

Giving away something hurts. It feels like your giving a piece of you away. I feel like I have failed as a pet caregiver. Giving away something you cherish is really hurtful.

When I first saw my cats, my heart was filled with joy, and now that piece is gone, I have to find them a good home so somebody can take care of them unlike I can, we can’t have the cats at our place, we’re not allowed to have them here anymore.

Now I have to find a way to control my depression as the cats were there for emotional support. My heart is aching so much, I hate thinking ” what if my depression gets worse, what if I can’t handle it.” Those are the questions that run through my mind.

Today was the hardest day of my life, deciding wether I want to keep the cats or not. I’m not allowed to have my cats where I live. Just thinking about the cats makes me want to cry and just lay in my bed, I barely ate today.

I guess now is the time to handle this depression a different way.

Failure

What does failure mean?  Well it means you have given up on something or even someone.  I’m at that point where I give up on driving.  I failed at getting my g license and now I have to start all over again. 

I’m upset at myself and very mad at myself for letting my nervousness get to me.  I’m mad at the wrong people even when its not there fault.  I’m just really upset I keep failing at the things I really wanted to do.  I failed at college and completeing it.  I failed at driving.  What is the next thing I’m gonna fail at?  Kids?  Relationship? What is next?  

I guess this is how it’s going to be.  I have to start all over again and I really don’t want to.  I will start when I’m ready right now I feel very fragile to even start again.  Back to training wheels.  

Being a mother

Being a mother is tough no one will understand that unless you are a mother. I’m a mother of two wonderful kids a boy and a girl.  My son has autism and that’s not always easy,  my daughter who is 19 months gets into everything and messes things up when I just cleaned up.  

I sometimes yell at my kids when I don’t mean to. I’m stressed out because I’m the one doing everything that a mother would be doing. I’m stressed because I’m not getting the financial help I need.  I’ve been told I’m a bad mother and that I need anger management help and need to go to a group to get help.  I don’t need it I rather be at home watching my kids and caring for them until they either go to daycare or school.  

Every mother out there has there bad days and good days.  I’ve always told myself I would never be like my biological mother who neglected her kids and didn’t care about them.  My biological mother was never around so I never got to know her I’ve only heard stories.  My biological dad was never around either. 

I’ve been here for my kids their whold life I went through the pain after delivery.  I went through nights with no sleep or little sleep.  My kids mean the world to me. So for everyone out there leave me and my family alone and just stay out of it oh and stop pressuring me.